I was reacting. After Scott passed away July 2017, my grief manifested itself by an exponential increase in habitual practices. Lists. I make lists and check them off. My daughters will confirm the list I made the week Scott passed was pages long and then some. Within two weeks, I saw an attorney about my house and whether I should sell, worked with Scott’s children on the church service (they really took care of it all), planned Scott’s military funeral, and dealt with banks and credit card companies and tried to figure out what to do with his recording studio. Within a month, I decided to rent out the downstairs to our niece and met with a couple real estate companies, thinking I should go to work selling real estate. I started the probate process.
Good advice after someone passes, is not to make any major decisions. I was making many, to fill time previously spent with my husband. I didn’t give myself time to grieve. I filled my life with the business of doing stuff.
During the fall, I travelled to Montana and to Victoria, B.C. And it wasn’t until then that I started to spend quality time with the memories of our marriage and who Scott was. Driving alone for eight hours or riding on a ferry will do that. In those moments, I felt (and still do) grateful for the one man in my life who loved me unconditionally (except when I refused to move any of his equipment from the place it was to the place where it had been and then back again). I also slowed down and relaxed (as much as I ever can) into letting life unfold, instead of feeling driven.
For 2018, my mantra is “Life is an Adventure.” Instead of reacting, I’m making intentional decisions about what beckons me, not what pushes me. Perhaps others will see some of these decisions as frivolous. That’s okay. I’m doing things for myself, knowing Scott would be cheering me on, saying, “All Right!” accompanied by one big clap of his warm, beefy hands.
So, here’s my Adventure Plan for 2018: I refinanced my house to be able to alleviate some debt and redecorate. I’m planning a road trip by myself to North Dakota in mid-May to visit the places where my dad lived and worked in his youth as told in The Road to LaReta. I’ll be visiting cousins and I understand my Grandmother Bateman’s hotel and restaurant are still operating in Almont. I’ll take my camera and laptop to record the journey. Speaking of photos, I did renew my Bonnie King Photography business license and will be doing a select number of shoots this year. In August, I’ll attend my 55th Pasco High Class Reunion. October will find me bound for the Big Island in Hawaii to visit my niece and nephew for a week. Oh, and I decided to have a mini-facelift the 22nd of February. Yes, after years of standing in front of the mirror holding up my drooping jowls, I’ve decided to get them lifted, along with a lid and brow lift. The latter two are considered medically necessary; the southern region of my face is optional. The plastic surgeon said something like, “Do it now or why the hell bother!”
That’s my plan for adventure this year. What’s yours?